The WTF Sox Update

What the fuck????????? Kenny Williams is killing me this offseason. I had made my peace with losing Dye and Podsednik. And Fields was on his way out the door well before the Sox got eliminated from playoff contention. But what the fuck is happening on the Southside? I feel like I've been punched in the face.

We want to get younger. Add speed. Play "Ozzie-ball" (whatever the fuck that is). Alright, fine I get it. That's how you justify wasting more money than Congress on mediocre-at-best players like Alex Rios. (I can't wait to see this guy "earn" his $70M with a contract that'll probably last longer than my life)

Then what the hell? First we sign Omar Vizquel. He's a thousand!
-He's so old he left his wallet on Noah's Ark.
-He's so old that he owes Moses a dollar.
-He's so old that he sat in front of Jesus in the first grade.
-He's so old that his social security number is 1 (haha, just kidding. His a foreigner, he doesn't need a SSN!)
-He's so old that in school, there was no history class.
-He's so old that if he acted his age, he'd die.
Feel free to leave your own old age joke in the comments.

We back this up by signing Andruw Jones who is conservatively listed at 32, though he and his .214 batting average have me believing he's much older. Well he's played like it.

But we have nice speedy, young players who excel at "Ozzie-ball" like Chris Getz. Wait, what's that you say? We traded him. Shit, I guess my dog isn't as "in the know" as his. Well this makes total fucking sense right.

Kenny Williams has said these moves are bolstering the Sox bench with quality players. Well, despite my difference of opinion on what's "quality" I can understand his logic. Except for one fatal flaw.... WE DON'T HAVE A QUALITY STARTING LINEUP! Call me crazy, but the offseason should be spent making moves to make the team better. Last year, the Yankees went after key guys like CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, and Mark Teixeira; all of whom are key starters. Oh, and they won the damn World Series.

Now, I don't expect the Sox to go out and break the bank. They've accidentally done that already with the pick-ups Rios and Peavy, and the extensions Buerhle and Konerko are playing under. But would it be too hard to find some starters? Preferably a lead-off hitter since evidently ours wasn't worth keeping. Or find players who'll enable our guys to stop playing out of position (Ramirez is playing SS despite being better when at 2nd. Beckham spent last season at 3B, and will play 2B this year despite being a natural SS- I'm sure this is logical to someone, but I don't have that logic).

But it's ok. Rumor has it that the Sox have a keen interest in Coco Crisp, presumably as a leadoff hitter because he's fast. (Either that or they're looking for that elusive marketing deal with Cocoa Krispies) Call me skeptical, but I don't think a 30-year old who's been battling injuries, coming off a season when he hit .228 is the answer. Especially since he plays the same position as the overpriced Rios. I just don't see this helping. Is Chone Figgins really too much to ask for?

Anyway I'm looking forward to the season rooting for my adopted national league team (Phillies) for a full season instead of just after the White Sox season ends.


EDITOR'S NOTE: (that's right I editor's noted myself) The last time I was this pissed during an off-season it was the summer we traded Carlos Lee for Scott Podsednik and Luis Vizcaino... the Sox won the World Series the following season. Let's see where this goes...